No more "doing this job for the kids."

It has been some time since I've popped in. This is due to the fact that teaching has consumed my life. It has consumed my life so much that I've decided to seek ways to get out of this profession that I've loved for so long. I realize I can't take on other people's problems anymore because it is diminishing my true sense of self. I slave away at my computer developing lesson plans, which to be honest aren't always mine because I am so exhausted and don't find the motivation to be creative anymore as I once was twenty years ago. Back then, the late 90s early 2000s, kids were different. There was no constant accessibility to electronics like there is now. I was so creative back then. What happened to me? Where is the spark within me that shined so bright? 

The spark has been dull for sometime now. It no longer shines as bright as it used to. The enthusiasm I used to feel was such a rush for my inner being because I truly sensed I was changing so many lives. The teacher rush is a wonderful feeling when you know you've established a lesson that will brighten their learning and see the infamous light bulb go off on their faces where a student's eyes light up, smile widens and they usually respond with "Oh, I get it!" Yes, that is a fabulous feeling. But, I've realized it's not enough anymore. Those infamous words teachers say to each other to justify their occupation from other colleagues such as "This is why we do what we do," or "We do it for the kids." Really? That's the justification? Because I don't think these typical phrases are enough anymore. I don't think it's enough for the mass population of teachers who are quitting in droves. I don't think it's enough for the teachers who work two jobs just to make ends meet. I don't think it's enough for the teachers who live an hour away because they can't afford to live in a district that is considered one of the wealthiest in the country. I don't think it's enough when the majority of our teachers are women who are struggling to juggle their very demanding job, raise a family, be a wife, a friend and a daughter. Enough is enough! Since the majority of us are women, we are constantly losing our sense of self, our sense of worth and the light within gets smaller and smaller where it eventually it has burned out with nothing left but some smoldering embers of hope. 

This past year has been very challenging for me and my very essence of identity. My younger sister, who was like a daughter to me and my husband, died tragically from a drug overdose. She let the pain in her life consume her and numbed herself with substances that eventually killed her. I will forever have a void in my heart and it pains me to know I did everything in my power to help her see how beautiful and wonderful of a human being she was. I will miss her every day. And no matter what I did or how hard I tried to help her, to guide her, she still made her choices. This realization of my failure to reach her resulted in me being emotionally exhausted.

After my sister died, I started questioning my life. I am 51 years old and have experienced so much. In my youth as an educator I wanted to save the world, I wanted to touch the lives of children who were neglected, who were abused like I was. For the past eight years as an educator, my purpose was to heal the inner child within me from the abuse and lies my parents burdened me with for half of my life. But after Jean died, I realized I am done trying to save other people who don't want help. Fortunately, my inner child healed this summer when I took my heritage journey to Japan. I no longer want to pour myself into the children of this generation and raise them without the support and encouragement of parents and school administrators. 

I am realizing I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years dealing with this career that is under appreciated, under paid and made for 20 something year olds with no family, no social life and lots of spare time on their hands. I think this is why some teachers become toxic like the "Ms. Karen's and the Ms. Perfect Classroom." It's time for me to make a change and it has been something I've been struggling with for the last year because of all the time, effort and money I have given to this job. I've realized the countless hours spent researching for ideas and educational practices has not much use anymore to me as an educator because no one wants to listen to a 50 year old educator of diverse ethnicity and a troubled childhood. I am too old in their eyes. I don't have that "Perfectville" upbringing this community gushes over. I'm not a hip, Instagram fake personality willing to give my life to this career. They would rather listen to the blond, thin, white, young local resident that has lived in this community for their entire lives and they've known the family for many years. It's all about who you know you know in Perfectville, not what you know or what your experience is. Perfectville also considers if you have graduated from local high schools or state schools. I am an outsider. I am not from here and I have experience from many areas of the world, but my superiors don't care. They don't want to hear about it. 

So, I am done. I am done with the competitive nature of this job. I am done with administrators not being interested in how I am or what I think. I am done with children showing me a lack of respect because their parents don't teach them how to act and blame the pandemic or the teacher for their problems. I am done with trying to design lessons that fully entertain my students for 7 hours a day like a game show hostess. I am done with teacher gossip amongst women who bring each other down the majority of the time rather than raise each other up. I am done with parents wanting me to raise their children by asking me ridiculous questions on how to deal with their behavior at home. I am just done....I am ready to save myself and live my life. It's going to be about me, not for the kids.