Teaching is NOT my life.

I love mornings. I love the solitude, the quiet. I love the feeling of a fresh new day while enjoying my coffee. It's a new day to living and I am thankful for the new beginning. Unfortunately, there are many mornings like now at 5:00 am on a Saturday, that I am up reviewing papers and thinking about lessons for my students. I do realize as I get older that I don't want to do that anymore. I am wanting to take my weekends as the time for me, doing a hobby, spending time with my family and friends. I don't want the dark cloud of guilt raining on me for not always committing myself to the kids. 

I miss my younger sister who died in August. I think of her every day. Did a teacher save her? No. Did our parents save her? No. Did I save her? No.  The truth is it's up to the individual to save themselves. No matter how much I was there for my sister, she couldn't change and make the choice to live and love her family. Even if one of her family members is an empathetic, caring, kind teacher who would give everything to help those in need.

From this experience, I know I cannot be the empathetic, caring, kind teacher willing to give everyone myself and try to impact the world. I initially went in to this profession thinking I could. I liked the little light bulb going off, I liked hearing "this was fun," and I liked hearing from a student from my first year of teaching. But now in my older age, I am emotionally exhausted and it's not enough anymore. 

The emotions are taking a toll on me physically. As I age, my body aches more and with the heavy burden of 20 kids and their parents, administration that has no empathy and appreciation and the endless to do lists; I am struggling. I've come to a point in my life in my 50s where I finally see I AM MORE IMPORTANT.  Is that selfish? Maybe. But when it comes down to it, that hush- hush word we call DEATH is inevitable. It's just when is it going to happen? 

I am NOT going to be thinking about a job and how much I impacted students. I am going to be thinking about how I was happy in my life. My family, my travels, my well being. Was I good to myself? Did I love hard? I feel it's always okay to walk away from something that sucks the life out of you.

I was talking to a colleague yesterday that has been a teacher for over 20 years. Over twenty years? I cannot imagine. She was talking about how much she cares about the kids. I am sure she does, but does she love herself? Is she happy? She doesn't exhibit happiness. She looks tired and worn out. We wear what we experience. I do have so much respect for teachers, predominantly women, who dedicate their LIVES to this thankless profession. They are superheroes, but honestly how many of them are TRULY happy? I would say a small fraction because I know a very small population of teachers who truly felt this profession gave them happiness. 

The system takes advantage of our empathetic nature and knows women WILL sacrifice their lives, sometimes literally when thinking about horrible realities of a shooter entering the school. The majority of women do give their all or nothing. We are caretakers. We are the mothers who carry the children. We have that connection to a life and we want the best for them, but neglect ourselves a lot. We are more emotional than men, which is why there is a small population of men that do this profession. There is only ONE man in our entire school that is a teacher and he does NOT dedicate his life to this profession. He does the bare minimum and spends the majority of his time kayaking and enjoying his family. I envy him. 

I don't think a lot of men who are teachers think about their impact and if they do, they probably don't fully dedicate their lives to this job. It is only a job no matter what you say. It's NOT my life.  Honestly, how many little lives do I actually reach? What becomes of these students? I feel my impact is minute compared to the impact their actual family has on them. I understand we teachers influence our students and there are teachers who impacted me growing up, but do I think of them when I evaluate my life? Not really. Most of my elementary school teachers were just doing their job; teaching. It wasn't their job to be a counselor, to be a nurse, to be a psychiatrist or evaluate my behavior. It was their job to teach me math, reading, writing and content so that I could learn. That's all. We place so much value on teachers because as a society we feel they should be the ones to change lives, but in reality we teachers go to universities to learn how to teach curriculum. There aren't a lot of college classes offered on how to counsel children and modify their behavior. Why is that our job? It's not our job to raise these kids. It' the parents.

We need to place more value on parenting, but nobody wants to do that because it's easier to blame the educator. I think about how my parents were and how I worked through my life to becoming who I am today. My parents were toxic and yes I had some great teachers, but it wasn't because they changed my self esteem. They were just doing their job to teach me the material with their knowledge and passion for it. It wasn't their job to raise me. They had their own lives and families to care for.

I know there are a lot of people who will disagree with this view. Most of them are young and haven't fully lived yet, but they will see the reality. Or maybe they won't and feel this profession is their true calling. I still feel this is a very small population and teaching is their life. We want to find reason for what we do, which is normal. But I refuse to allow my job to be my life.